I ignored the events of my twenties for years. I tried to forget my childhood pain even longer.
I was triggered by anyone or anything that reminded me of it and ran away from people every time it happened.
Then, after I had no energy to run from it anymore, I tried to ignore the bigger picture and pretend that I have no choice.
I used my past as a proof I cannot change. I convinced myself that life will never be better.
I built the wall of beliefs around me and struck back at anyone who tried to show me other way.
It took me years, I still have many parts that I need to process, but I started seeing reality as it is.
Reality is beautiful.

This topic approached me while interacting with people close by.

How often do we cling to the ideas of “I have changed”, “I am different person now”, “What was before is wrong!”
Especially after experiencing some really painful events in our life, we consider these assurances helpful. We think that if we can put “the bad” behind then it won’t affect us anymore.

We are doing it trying to escape, to forget. But our past never goes anywhere, it is already happened. It will be affecting our life until the day we die or lose our memory.
We cannot change that. We can get new experiences, views and beliefs, improve, but we are still the same person even decades after.

But somehow we WANT for whatever hurt us to not happen. To cancel pain. To make it disappear. To run away from ourselves.
So to do it, to prove that the past is only the past, we create this watchguard that “protects” us from going back there ever again, censors everything we come in contact with. It encounters ideas that contradict our world view and fights them with all his ferocity. It lashes out at anyone who is close to revealing alternatives or makes us desperately run away if we cannot “win”. And it is powerful, it learns to do its job really fucking well with YEARS of practice. After a while we start to depend and constantly feed TONS of our energy to it. We deeply afraid that if it will go dormant, some ideas will leak through.

We learn to believe that we won’t be able to handle reality.

We are always on guard. We need assurances. We search for examples that “I am on the right path now” and for proof to discredit past events. And with getting more life experience, with seeing reality more (we still subconsciously see it no matter what), the energy requirements to mask it rise tremendously.
We sacrifice big chunk of our life to stay in our happy little bubble of ignorance and denial.

But for all our time and efforts, the past never actually disappears. It even becomes stronger, as we constantly subconsciously reinforce it – if you’re trying to forget something that hard, then it must be important.

We can’t outrun what is latched on to us. The only solution is to stop and unstrap it.

Years of denial won’t get you any results. One minute of sitting by yourself with your REAL thoughts – will. You need to handle the shit that has happened at some point. You, and you alone. That is the only way.

Reaching out for help is good here if you can manage it. The act of doing so is already highly courageous – accepting that something not right and actively seeking advice puts cracks in your bubble. But to break it down completely and build yourself back is your responsibility. No one is able to do it for you.

You need to face the truth. Past DID happen. Pain WAS there. For better or worse (or cripplingly terrible), it has shaped you into who you are right now. It is part of the current reality as is, you cannot change the past.

But it IS your responsibility to decide what to do next.

Are you gonna use it as an excuse, intermixing years of denial with month of hopelessness?

Or are you gonna DO something about it. Accept the past, embrace it, and then think what next actionable step you can take. The very little step you can take RIGHT NOW to make your life a bit better. It probably feels like it doesn’t help, it often removes only a tiny bit of the rust that this pain grown into inside of you.

But that is enough.

It is all it takes to improve over time.

When you accept reality, or even just start toying with the idea of doing so, everything becomes different. All these years of pent up resistance and hidden hopelessness come rushing back at you.

I know exactly how it feels. It feels fucking painful. It throws you down, and leaves you there almost unable to rise back. It forces you into apathy, despair or hopefully, anger.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you will rise back. Stand up and laugh in the face of the past. You have this power. Any one of us have it inside.
Tap into it. Believe it. And Keep Rising Up No Matter What
The past is not omnipotent. The pain is finite. The struggle has its limits.
Do not run. Persevere. It will become better as long as you face it.

Eventually you will come out of this, with peace and a lot of freed energy.

You will stop running from yourself.
You will see that any problem has the solutions and can be changed to the better.
You will see the world as a beautiful place, be able to appreciate all the differences.
You will stop searching for the negatives and just enjoy living.
You will be free.